After June 20th everything was different...

What I've learned thus far...


Last night I dreamt with an old cassette deck. In the dream, I kept on playing "Linger" by the Cranberries over and over again. It was a Fuji cassette and in red faded ink it said "Elderly Women Behind the Counter in a Small Town." I couldn't help but wonder why it said that on the outside and what was actually on it was "Linger." I didn't understand the message within the message and I will leave it up to you to decipher. But I will tell you this, the mind is vast.

Vast: –adjective
1.
of very great area or extent; immense.

Like the ocean, the sky and outer-space.

I don't think we understand its power. I think that we underestimate what we can do with our minds. I don't think we really understand when we so often read things like "thoughts become things"- because when they really do, we actually are left dumbfounded and wondering what happened. If only we would carefully listen to the voice of reasoning. If only we would concentrate in the things that we truly want to accomplish, the things that make us blissfully happy, and the things that we are meant to be doing. Ahh, but that is all too easy. So what do we do? We choose to focus on the things that we don't want to experience because we are so afraid of going through the pain, but what ends up happening?

After carefully thinking about my dream last night, searching the lyrics several times and trying to figure out the message I realize that I too was afraid. I was so afraid of losing you, that in the process I lost myself.  But inadvertently something great has come out of the madness. Something bigger than me, something bigger than us, something bigger than I ever imagined my pain could ever be.

I can listen to our favorite song a million times and go over the same scenario in my mind time and time again but eventually hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away.

I decided to remove all of my love letter posts from my This is what Star thinks blog after this (which was my, my 100th post this year.) You know I'm such a fool for you...



Not at all,
Me.

How it feels.

Adverse Hostility.

Distance and Time

Dear Love,
Its difficult to take it all in, I know. We may not have that happy ending because true love never ends but letting go is saying I love you. I love you enough to watch you walk away, because deep down inside I know that is what you want. You are right when you say "I'm not the one for you". We are all afraid of our own reality and our feelings most of all. We talk about how great love is but it isn't always great. Love hurts and feelings are sometimes disturbing. For so long we are taught that pain is evil. But how can we even deal with love if we are afraid to feel pain. Half of love is pain.  You've taught me that the pain is what wakes us up. Why do we try to hide our pain when in reality its very presence is proof that we will be stronger? It all depends on how we carry it. That is what really matters. Pain is feeling. Feelings are a part of who we are. If we hide them then we are letting society destroy our reality.

Thanks to you, stronger than my pain,
Me.

More than one side...

There is a different perspective to every story that is told. Just because you have trouble seeing other points doesn't mean that you should make "absolute" statements. There are no "absolute" perspectives. Chances are people aren't going to see things your way and because we are free to have our own perspective we should always watch what we say.

Shifting perspective,
Me