My thoughts are ongoing. I try to confine them sometimes, but I find they do not like to be governed. I fight them and though usually I win, sometimes I just cannot help it. I give up and among all the confusion they win. I argue for a while with the voice that rambles inside my head, but I’m tired and I choose to give up this time. I shut down. This dark shadow comes over me and I feel it consuming my existence. I close my eyes and in they come so fast. I have lost control. They want to stay. They want to take me over. They use my weakness to unravel the thread of courage and defeat that holds me together. I fight, but I hear their murmurs in my ears and I cannot control the noise. I breathe deeply.
I remember feeling this and I hate it. I can feel my heart beating so fast. I’m scared that the fear that has embodied my soul is so strong it will never leave me. A cold rush flushes through my insides. My finger tips are numb, my body is cold, and my eyes are burning. I sit there lifeless, delusional, dissipated, abandoned, corrupted, exhausted, and afraid. What is left of me? My thoughts, they never seize. They are always with me. When they are good, they are grand. When they are bad, they are horrid. They invite themselves into my mind, make themselves evident in my insecurities, and threaten to never leave me.
The conversation with my mind begins and this is what it sounds like:
Me: “Why are you doing this?”
Mind: “Because I can.”
Me: “I’m a good person, I don’t deserve this.”
Mind: “It doesn’t matter to me. Why don’t you stop wasting your time and realize that all this meditation nonsense is getting you no where?”
Me: “It makes me feel good. I have control.”
Mind: “No, I make you feel good and I can also make you feel bad. That means that ultimately, I have control.”
Me: “Help me to be better. Help me rid myself from all these negative emotions”
Mind: “Why? They are there for a reason, you feel them, and you have to remember them”
Me: “I don’t want to hold grudges. I want to forgive those people that have done me wrong.”
Mind: “Why? They should learn their lesson. You are not a door mat.”
Me: “You are me. You are my thoughts. I choose. I decide, not you. I know you want to distract me. I know that your job is to control me or you cease to exist. You will not win this time. You will not take me over. You will work with me or I will shut you out. If I have to take a vow of silence and have this conversation with you the entire day, I will. But you will not win this time. In fact, you will not win any longer. Do you hear me? You are me, I decide.”
Mind: -
My thoughts are ongoing. I try to confine them sometimes, but I find they do not like to be governed. I fight them and usually I win.
**Dedicated to Juanqui- I love you.
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